Since today is my daughter's fourth birthday, I thought it would be appropriate to write about her while she's out to lunch with her grandparents.  First of all, she's just flat bigger today.  She has always looked much older than she is, so she doesn't even look four today.  She looks about six.  No wonder I'm feeling a bit weepy.  It's hard to remember that she's not going to start kindergarten for more than a year.
    I've been really enjoying watching her use her imagination lately.  It's a good way to look at the world through her eyes.  Yesterday she brought me her stuffed monkey (a.k.a. her daughter), Emily, to babysit while she went to work.  She gave me a very extensive list of instructions regarding her nap schedule and what she can and cannot eat.  I was not aware that I was strict enough with my instructions to imprint that so deeply on her little brain, but there's no denying it after witnessing that!  She also went on and on, even repeating a few things-- which I do recognize from my own behavior.  It's called being thorough, people.  Don't hate me for it.  It's how people like me organize their brains:  out loud.  Deal with it.
    Wow.  No wonder she's crazy.
    She also likes to play restaurant, which stems off of the "mommy goes to work" game.  I tell you, she takes the role of waitress as seriously as she takes the role of doctor or superhero.  It's a really great reminder from a child's point of view that everyone's place in the world is important.  We should all be proud of whatever it is we contribute, so long as we truly give of ourselves to do it.  I may not save anyone's life at my job, but I can be an important part of someone's day if I treat them with respect and pay attention when they say "no tomatoes".  It really does matter to them, so they will notice if it matters to me as well.
    Sometimes I feel ashamed that I chose not to go the increasingly popular college route.  It's not that I didn't have the chops for it, either.  I just chose another path.  It doesn't make me less intelligent, nor does it decrease my ability to learn new things every day.  It just means I have to go out and look for education in more obscure places and learn to be proud of working hard at whatever I do.  After less than a month at my job it was well known that no one had to babysit me to keep me busy.  That's something to hold one's head high about:  a good reputation.  I am also a deeply involved mother.  That is a worthy thing in itself.  Besides, my husband spends enough time in the classroom for our whole family!
    It's pretty neat that I'm learning how to have self esteem from a 4-year-old.  Her loving/neurotic mothering style to her babydolls (and sometimes even her 18-month-old sister) and her do-it-all behavior when she plays is an honest reflection of what she sees modeled in me.  No more genuine compliment exists in the world.
    My children make me a better person every day, even when I make mistakes.  They are the greatest gift anyone could ever receive.  On the anniversary of the days they were born I try to really reflect on that.  I remember being in the hospital looking at each of their brand-new faces, searching for evidence of who they would become.  I am fascinated by watching those identities unfold day by day.  They fill my home with laughter and music-- especially now that the birthday girl has a guitar.  That is so much better than the accordion she has.  And while I must say the dancing is spectacular, I have realized that some of it is only cute because the girls are so little.  My best friend recently told me a story about her nearly 7-year-old daughter busting out a booty dance, to the horror of both parents.  I pictured it and thought, "Wow.  That's kind of like tiny bikinis:  cute for a minute, but after a certain age it just becomes pedophile bait."  So I'm going to enjoy every minute of it.  It goes much too fast.

CL